Subject: TOP TIPS

[bigblackfalco]

Subject: TOP TIPS



Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-80 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 80% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would
be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill,
in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by
those who got there
first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and
he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. Torch: A case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't clever enough to get out of jury service.


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
physical. A few days ater, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor
spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got
a heart murmur, be careful


Free advice!

1. Are you clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

2. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat
by simply using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use
a timer and have some plasters ready.

4. Always late for work? A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm
clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after
you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

6. Do you have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you
will quickly forget about
the toothache and dentists.

7. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really
are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move
and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct
tape

[Boxadog 2000]

LMAO
Enough reading must get back to the red wine, shame Wingger is not about feel like a bit of sport.

Bob (hic)

[Man-of-Mystery]

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Here's a tip. If you want to do without paying taxes it's simple. Abolish the little process of putting an "x" on a piece of paper once every three or four years, and you will never have to pay taxes again!

"I like to pay taxes. They are the price we pay for civilized society."
Judge Oliver Wendell Holmes (probably quoting economist John Maynard Keynes)

M-o-M

[Stevie]

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Here's a tip. If you want to do without paying taxes it's simple. Abolish the little process of putting an "x" on a piece of paper once every three or four years, and you will never have to pay taxes again!

M-o-M

Hmmm. Not sure that's true. Abolish that process and they can charge us whatever taxes they like. Just like the last 10 years under Tony.

[Man-of-Mystery]

Yeah, but who are "they"?

No "x", no democracy, no government, no taxes. See my quotation above. Tony Blair (who by the way continued the Thatcherite policy of low-taxation - for the rich at any rate) stayed where he was for ten years because of Xs on bits of paper.

M-o-M

[Man-of-Mystery]

Moderators... could you shift us bodily from the "Humour" section to the "Bloody Boring" section? Thank you.

M-o-M