Tommy Cooper, RIP.

[oyster]

The genius that was Tommy Cooper.......

I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue', and I couldn't put
it down.

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on
and on .

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny,you couldn't swing a
cat in there!

I said to this man, you invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue ?" I said
"No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where's he then ?"


I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."


So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."



So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for
the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it.
I thought that's Abbariginal.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've
been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

[overipe&keen]

They were priceless, I really did LOL!!