WINTER FUEL Payments IN THE UK

[Mitch1100]

WINTER FUEL Payments IN THE UK

About this time of the year, older taxpayers will be receiving their 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it to you by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity ... or a high-definition flat screen TV set, thus stimulating the economy

Q. But isn't buying a TV set stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:

If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland & Luxemburg

If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein

If you spend it on eBay your money will go to Ireland

If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs

If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain or Morocco

If you spend it in your corner “Asian mini-mart” no tax will be paid, it will be used in drug deals and eventually will be conveyed to Pakistan in a large suitcase to fund terrorism.

If you spend it on “cheap” cigs it will end up in Romania or Bulgaria

If you give it to Oxfam 20% only will go abroad and 80% will remain in the hands of the administrators, who will spend it on fact finding missions to Cayman Islands, Thailand & Mauritius.

If you buy a foreign car it will go to Japan,Germany, France, India or Korea.

If you buy a British car it will go to Japan, Germany or India.

If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore
If you spend it at the on-line bookies, it will go to Gibraltar, Malta or Ireland
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on call girls
4. Buying cider, local beer or scotch
5. Getting yourself a tattoo
(These are about the only UK businesses still operating in theU.K.)

Conclusion: Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night ! It’s the patriotic thing to do. No need to thank me .... just glad I could be of help!