Old jokes from old bloke.

[bikemad99]

Something to offend everyone - read at your own risk!

A history teacher asks a class full of kids - 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.....
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'...
So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Gareth and I played for Cardiff.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------


A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... They are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------

Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------
I met a 14 year old girl on the Internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------